1. The Heat

Summer needs to go into a hole and die. I spent no more than seven minutes outside today and it will take at least 30 minutes of ice water and AC just to get to baseline. The only time sweating is ever relaxing is in the steamroom in January.  When I was 20, I loved sunshine and white sand and endless daylight but I’m a Vampire now and as such I deserve respect. A mostly black and gray wardrobe makes it easier for me to assume my ninja like invisible middle aged woman persona. And I did the world a favor and quit wearing shorts sometime in the 1990’s. “Want to go for a walk on  the beach?” No. I will burn as many calories by getting in my car waiting for the AC to kick in.

2. Being Outdoors

I love camping, hiking and hanging out on the beach just not when I have to protect myself from blood sucking parasites. Anytime I have to prepare my skin with greasy goop and offensive spray I ask myself is it really worth it? Isn’t there a nice hotel lobby bar somewhere close where we can relax?And I don’t care who is performing, do not ask me to go to your outdoor port-a-potty all day music event and under no circumstances are you to invite me to a picnic. The only way I would go to a picnic is if I could clean up like Betty Draper:

3. The Ice Cream Man

Selling overpriced 1/2 melted dreams since the beginning of time. When I was a kid the ice cream man’s real job was marijuana distribution. He would pull out that frisbee from under his seat and *bam* transaction complete! You really didn’t expect anyone to be able to drive that slowly all over town listening to this horrible music over and over and over again without being really high, did you?

4. Bathing Suits

Yeast infection in spandex. Some of my earliest memories are of cringing in a beach changing hut as my mom forced me to put on a bathing suit still damp from the day before. Have you no soul, woman?! Awful garments of doom that we have to mentally prepare to wear. Starting sometime around March, we are saturated with articles about getting ready for bathing suit season. No one is ever ready, that’s your answer.

5. Bad TV

Thanks to Apple TV I have at least 20,000 ways to get my tv now. I smugly cut the cable years ago thinking that I had mastered my tv….I was so very wrong. I know that have access to every episode of the Simpsons and video extras from Full Frontal but what I really want is a new episode of the Goldbergs Goddamnit! I spend hours with no less than three remotes going from the PBS app to Sling to my Amazon Prime Channel just sure that there is a documentary film about some indigenous people that I have missed. It’s maddening. Sometimes I cope by curling up on a cool corner of my bathroom crying softly Who is hosting SNL this week? But I already know the answer is sometime in October….October.

If you need me for the next three months, I’m here on the floor with my grape flav-o-ice dreaming of October.