Anthony Bourdain hung himself; unbelievably believable. I did not know the man, only watched his shows and bought his books (and never read them). He was enchanting if for nothing than his refreshing honesty.
Maybe he was caught up too much is his personae, and wanted to just stop or he lost his ability to feel like himself or he was just overflowing with the pain and the poverty that he saw all over the world. It’s a cruel trick that the brain matter of those with depression enables them to look into the worst pit and find that bit of humanity, like a weird homing device. And he couldn’t stop looking and he didn’t stop looking.
No one that works that much does it for the money, they are driven. Driven to see something else, to fill the hole left by the absence of something that they will never find. Many of us with depression have that feeling everyday.
Could he have been seen as an asshole? Absolutely. Look at the shit he waded through. Look at the people he met who had nothing but a table (and sometimes not even that) who scraped together with their own hands that we call “a meal” but is really sustenance from the heart. As a total non believer I can say with confidence that it’s a divine act to cook for someone. In receiving all of that divine and pure love, putting it on a video tape and sending it out to the world can’t have been easy.
My fellow sad people, you have to really, really take care of yourselves. Depression is fatal and the longer you live in denial about your treatment, the more dysfunctional, untenable coping mechanisms you can develop.
I know some people hate medication. These people are idiots. Chemicals are chemicals are chemicals. I see the professional drug dealers (in my case my general practitioner) and take my drugs. I also try to eat right and get enough sleep and exercise. Am I still an emotional mess? Sure. But I’m not dead yet.
It isn’t 1950 anymore, your employer probably has an Employee Assistance Program that is free and, just like going to any other medical professional, confidential. Use it–call today, or tomorrow just use it if you need it. You wouldn’t put up with kidney stones or an asthma attack, why would you put up with crushing dread, racing thoughts or sleeplessness?
It’s sweet that people talk about reaching out to someone who is feeling sad but this isn’t like that. You don’t “reach out” to someone with a broken leg…you get them to a doctor. Someday we are going to realize that depression is fatal. You can’t cure cancer with a hug. See a professional, you’ll have to wait but you have to wait to see most medical professionals so don’t let that be your excuse.
Goodbye, Tony. I guess I’ll read that book now.