Bishops will be Boys.

Catholic kids were always the meanest.

I grew up Catholic and not in the “we went to Church” way but in the “Catholic school going, participating in a Church life, having the Aunt who knew what Saint to pray to, Marian Missals all over the damn house” Catholic. My Aunt was an Ursuline Sister, my Father’s family had 15 kids…I mean I grew up Catholic.

I didn’t attend Catholic High School mostly because my parents thought it was a fine idea to ask their kids to pay ½ of their tuition to school. Uh…no thanks. There’s a free school much, much closer to home. That and my elementary school class had become more of a paramilitary organization than classmates. When you put 28 of the same kids together in a small school in Ohio, what did they expect? After a few years, we knew each other’s strengths, who had the neglectful parent and more than that, we had each other’s backs.

The only thing that saved me from a sure life of organized crime, one for which I was well trained in Catholic school was the promise of boys. From 5th grade on, instead of solely focusing on which teacher we were going to torment with the “everyone cough at 10:15” bit, we tried to jockey for a moonlight skate with one of the 5 foxy guys in my class at the Church skating party.

Had I gone to an all-girls Catholic school, I’m sure that I would either be in prison or the most successful commercial realtor you’ve ever seen. Toss up, really.

So I truly understand where the Catholic Bishops that want to deny communion are coming from. I would be a hatful, raging hardon, too if I couldn’t get laid on the up and up. You guys need a moonlight skate instead of a shameful handy in the abandon parking lot of a K-Mart (God rest their souls).

Not that I hate Catholicism. I always admired and was proud that Catholics never tried to recruit anyone to switch to their religion en masse, so to speak. I was assured by my Church that I didn’t need to have all the answers but to walk by faith with a robust education to answer the questions that I could. I liked that I was taught that we were all sinners and must humble ourselves to ask for forgiveness from time to time and that it’s good to put the needs of others before ourselves. I hauled around that crappy cardboard rice bowl on Halloween when I was 7 and 8 years old to collect money for some starving kids in Africa. I didn’t just get a lecture about finishing my dinner, I was hustling for them!

 It must be frightening to see women be elected to positions of power in this country and I’m sure that this is what this latest power move is about. They may try to inject logic into hating abortion, calling it baby killing or whatever, but the fact is that these men understand nothing about women’s health and very little about mercy.

There are priests and other Church leaders pushing back on the Conference of Catholic Bishops and I appreciate them. There are great Catholic leaders just like there are gay Catholic Priests and Nuns and parishioners who have had abortions and STILL take communion. I was one of them.

In 2004 when St. Louis Archbishop Raymond Burke forbade John Kerry from taking communion while campaigning in the area due to Kerry’s pro-choice stance, my then 74-year-old Mother quit going to Church. If she can sever her tie with her lifelong Church, there is hope. By the way, she still sent them money; she is Catholic after all.

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