With the country being ripped to bits it may seem like there are more divisions than ever betwixt our brethren.  But there are 323 million people in the USA, we can’t all be fat and stupid. Take heart, somewhere out there tonight, someone is hosting a Gay, Black, Cowboy Quilting Bee. Yet even with the vastness of this great country of ours, we meet the same damn people over and over and over.

There are more than two types of people in the world, there are five.  Well, five with two subtypes, which makes 10…ok so there are 10 types of people.

1. Hippies

You can spot these people from the earnestness that radiates from their  ridiculously expensive sandals. They are concerned about shit no one cares about like red squirrels or who is the best mandolin manufacturer. They usually smell just a bit like unlaundered thrift store clothing.  You would think that they are are all the same but you would be wrong, these smiling morons come in two distinct varieties.

Those who work for a living and those who do not. Hippies who work usually have a shit ton of money. Have you seen the cost of a house in Marin County? Hippies who don’t work have family with money. I can not stress this enough, HANG OUT WITH THESE PEOPLE. They always have drugs.

2. punks

I don’t just mean the snarling kid on a skateboard…I mean people with definite opinions. People with chips on their shoulders. They are tons of fun until they open their mouth. You may or may not be able to tell the two variety of punks apart depending on how keen your powers of observation are but you should be able to smell the difference.

There are dirty punks and there are ridiculously ocd type clean punks. They are both super sexually attractive. The dirty punks will definitely sleep with you but the clean ones will have to be super stoned to sleep with you. So there’s that.

3. Political people

Lately these people are everywhere. Since we all get CNN updates on our phones, everyone is entitled to some half baked opinion on what used to fly blissfully under the radar. I have to blame reality tv for making us believe that real life is interesting, I’m here to assure you that real life sucks. You would assume that the two types of political people would be conservative or liberal but do not be fooled.

There are the people who know who their congressperson is and the people who don’t. The people who vote regularly in local elections may know their congressperson but they are really annoying. They volunteer for everything and then stick around to clean up after events. We hate those people–show offs! The other political people watch Samantha Bee and think they have an informed opinion on everything, we hate them too.

4. Religious People. In general, there are way too many religious people. They drive slowly and jam up our pancake houses on Sundays with their 57 children. They brag about their guilt and shame as if anyone ever benefitted from guilt or shame. Although there are many religions and sects of religions there are really only two types of religious people.

Christians who mention Jesus in every other sentence and everyone else. You know what I mean.

5. Terminally Ill People

Sucking up our resources with their “issues” these people are the worst. We have to be nice to them although they aren’t doing anything particularly special. It’s not like they bowled a 300, they just got what’s coming. Seriously, get over yourselves terminal people, we are all going to die. There are only two types of terminally ill people.

Those who know it and those who do not. Sure, that ache in your left arm is nothing…don’t make a big deal out of it just take a Tylenol. You’re going to be fine.