Hey Christians, Get Your Grimy Hands off Halloween.

This week I was trying to enjoy a perfectly normal day of being naked in front of strangers at my gym’d locker room when I noticed some woman approaching everyone with some sort of flier.  She was attempting to be discreet but it was pretty obvious she was selling something.  I kept hearing “my church” as part of her pitch. ugggg…

This type of obnoxious rule breaking drives my midwestern self crazy. I locked eyes for 1/2 a second with my husky stare so she didn’t approach me. I almost turned into the type of horrible person who runs to the club manager to tattle. But I ain’t no snitch. Plus, honestly she didn’t directly bother me so no harm no foul.

But that shit bothered me. I mean the majority of women in that locker room were 1/2 naked…already pretty vulnerable as it was. And she hit up the time right after the Silver Sneaker water aerobics which everyone knows is the busiest time in that locker room. C’mon, lady!

Then today I was approached in a Subway by a guy who wants to know if I will bring my kids to his Church’s Trunk or Treat event. His audacity to approach me when I was stuck in the middle of a Subway order, totally trapped between the meat and veggie line, to start in about his church was a bridge too far. For a moment I saw black.

For years, well intentioned hillbillies have been disappointing kids with Chick Track comics at trick or treat night. Maybe the books didn’t have the conversion ability that they were hoping for because Christians are increasingly not letting their kids go out for beggar’s night. They seem to be convinced that even approaching a stranger’s house is the same as letting satan touch their kids in a bathing suit spot.

Instead of allowing their kids onto the mean streets of say, Madison Wisconsin, they are forcing their kids to go to Church parking lots for Trunk or Treat nights (also known as the most disappointing tailgating ever). Worst of all these events are held in the daytime! What’s the point? Deep inside of the darkest part of me is a hope that a kid is abducted at a trunk or treat event so they will just give it up altogether.

You don’t get Halloween, Christians. You don’t get to have alternative beggars nights, you don’t get to dress up and go to a community center. Unless you’re ready to send your children dressed up to knock on stranger’s doors and have the guts to ask for candy, you don’t get this holiday. Just ask yourselves, what would John Wayne do? He’d ask for some damn candy like a MAN!

Someday I’m going to get a pentagram tattooed on my forehead just to avoid having to say NO to these Christians. Sure I’ll be pretty unemployable but that is a tradeoff I’m willing to make.  So I looked at Subway Christian and said “not interested” as flatly and firmly as I could. Not “no thank you” but a more honest “not interested”.

You’ve got Christmas and Easter and I think you’re creepily co-opting  the once beautifully secular Thanksgiving. And every other small financial transaction ends with “have a bless day….” It’s everything I have to say “BLESSED it’s a blessED day you moron!”

Just go to church. Pray and pray all fucking day if you want. Plaster your walls with inspirational bible verses if you want but stay the hell out of my personal space. If you hate Halloween, just turn your porch light out and go to the mall or something.


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