It’s not me, It’s Your Huge Penis.

A long time ago (in internet years) I was blogging for a parenting blog and one of the contributors was oh so pleased with herself because she had so many hits on her article titled Vagina Vagina Vagina and her hits (according to her) had nothing to do with the title, nothing at all. Well, fuck it. Why should the vagina have all of the goddamn fun, let’s drag a dick into this thing (see, see what I did  there??).

I was reading this really super right on article about how we are so far from coming to an understanding of women’s sexuality in part because women are totally comfortable being uncomfortable. We see men just walk away from aaaawkward situations but women run toward them like firefighters.

We run straight to men who need a hug, stranded kitties, men who look lost, men who don’t have money, men who no one understands, more kittens… And this is not inherently a bad thing in fact this is a really good thing but it’s when it fucking hurts us as people—and it so often does—that the time has come to be comfortable saying no.

But if we can’t say no to the needy as hell PTA how the fuck can we say no to a raging hard on that actually does look kinda painful?! It’s been said a hundred million fucking times ladies :SAY NO! When we are talking about me time do you really think it’s all about just getting a drunk pedicure?

When I was telling my daughter about sex, I told her that a boy may look at her with a sincere painful look on his face. Any compassionate human being would say “oh look, a creature in pain. This is a terrible situation…”  We called it the “Sympathy Fuck” and between me and my gloriously slutty buddies in the late 1980’s we did our share. Just here to help out, capt’n!

But it wasn’t anything like affection and it was very rare that one of these 20-45 second encounters was enjoyable.  It was the after-hour breakfasts and the laughing that I really enjoyed.

Only a few very particular people enjoy inflicting pain on others. They usually can find other people who enjoy having pain inflicted upon them. I really believe that most men would be mortified if they knew that sex was painful.

Too many men have this weird egocentric you MUST enjoy penetration. “My sacred staff is the only thing that can satisfy you.” What egos!

Why fight that egotistical male? Work it to your advantage, women and instead of suffering through painful intercourse just say “your penis is just too big” and instead of apologizing, just marvel at it’s glory.

Here’s something we as women can probably all agree on: sex is really, really overrated. Relationships are great, love is amazing and wonderful and beats the everliving shit out of sex any day.

Part of me thinks that men love to keep this me too conversation because they love talking about sex more than anything. But this isn’t about sex at all. Any moron can have sex, occasionally even good consensual sex. But to have a mutual, respectful, caring non sexual relationship if it’s at work, or with your family or with your partner….that’s the work. Let’s do the work.

 

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