As a former hot girl let me tell you that being fat does have it’s good points. I’m keeping this in mind as I look over the results of my latest Lipid profile blood test:

This isn’t good. Nor is it normal for me. Two years ago, I pinched a nerve in my neck and simultaneously my blood pressure went through the roof. The TLDR version is that I ended up having a nuclear stress test which found nothing wrong with my heart (although I do have a flat T wave) and we concluded that my high blood pressure was the result of living in pain with a pinched nerve. Months of physical therapy relieved my pain and my blood pressure is now normal. During that time, I had a lipid profile that looked nothing like this one.

Guess what, Keto Kids? High fats aren’t all the same. Did we know that? Sure, but we were using lots of butter anyway. My butter has now been replaced with cacao butter and coconut oil. And it’s making me weep even as I write this but the heavy cream I use in my own Katie’s Keto Coffee has got to go. I’ve been using 3-4 tablespoons a day. Blame it on my midwestern roots but I LOVE HEAVY CREAM. I equally love my as-of-yet-unclogged arteries more so…yeah.

Also going is the Wendy’s Baconator. Yeah…I was eating them. Don’t look at me like that!  They wrapped them in LETTUCE! But with 200 mg of cholesterol, these tasty babies are a sometimes food at best.

The good news is that my doctors were very, very impressed with my weight loss. They must not get a lot of 50 year olds who lose 20 pounds in two months so they all (and I say all because  I get my primary care at a medical school so I see no less than 35 doctors at every visit) made a big deal about my weight loss. I kept thinking “where’s my sticker, bitches?!” One thing they did cue in on was the supplements….I’ve been talking a Ketone supplement and to-a-doctor they carefully informed me that ketosis is a natural process and the brain didn’t need any help getting there. As a armchair student of neurology, I had to admit that I was throwing money away on these supplements. The doctors looked at the ingredients and shrugged that it wasn’t hurting me so I’m definitely staying on them. I also understand the power of  placebo and that’s the type of juju that I will not fuck with.

I have already gotten lots of unsolicited advice about my lipids issue so allow me to take this opportunity to acknowledge the innate goodness and graciousness of the avocado. Oh how the Keto army loves the avocado. Sing it’s praises! I don’t like to blaspheme but, I think avocados taste like what I imagine dog shit tastes like. Whenever I tell anyone that I’m doing keto they always say the following “I hope that you’re eating good fats, like AVOCADOS…” and oh how I want to neck punch those people. First of all, fuck off. I don’t evangelize about anything, this diet is a matter of fact. Those sort of smug comments, the kind of backhanded advice that no one ever wants are inside of  your head comments and they need to stay there.

I also realize that I have not implemented an exercise plan. I have a very active job and I do visit my gym but I’ve not developed a significant routine. Neck Punch deservers #2 are the people who say “why not try working out?” What a novel idea?! You think, maybe, I’m fucking 50 year old? Maybe that’s been suggested to me?  Also, it’s especially annoying from those who know I was a regular at the same yoga classes they attended. I always talked about how uncomfortable I was because of my rumpled stomach. I loved yoga but I never lost weight doing it. I have a nasty MCL strain and I’m not going to blow out my knee on a treadmill or a stairmaster.  Oh, and shove your zumba class up your ass. If I wanted a skinny woman  to yell at me, I’d hang out with my ex-boss more.

After 20 some years of dealing  with the Autism world, I’ve grown some skin when it comes to unwanted advice and questions that are so much better eaten than said out loud but I was so much more polite about “Teh Autism” than I am about this diet. Maybe there is a particular type of rage that develops from lack of carbohydrates? I’ve been wondering if my small bouts of periodic rage were due to menopause or lack of carbs.  I was pretty miffed about my blood results and so I demanded some theraputic Dairy Queen the other night. Now, mind you I’ve had one tiny scoop of ice cream in the last two months and no other frozen treats. No added sugar in anything. So my husband was a little scared when I demanded TWO frozen treats which added up to 164 carbs. I ate these treats like a mogwai eating after midnight and then I sat back and enjoyed what I can only describe as an outer body experience. I astral projected over my living room into another plane of conciseness. The next morning I was seriously hungover so I don’t recommend carb binging. But I did it and I didn’t die either.

I get another lipid profile in two months and in the meantime I’m tweaking the hell out of this diet because I do like it and I want to stay on. So I’m saying goodbye to butter and my beloved creamer and probably most red meat. I’ve consumed and loved you all but our time has come. Namaste.